I recently had a confrontation, that brought out two important discoveries.
Disclaimer: I do not intend to offend anyone, but describe my perspective.
One, people can't handle the truth. You all may think, well duh! But, I always thought everyone had a desire to know the full and honest truth. Yet, it is not that way. Many remain focused on one side of the story rather than hearing the other side, even though, when you put both sides together, all discrepancies are removed, and the absolute truth is revealed.
Two, I always believed I was someone who lived their life free of grudges. Forgive and forget is the correct term. However, it dawned on me, that in a very well hidden spot in the back of my mind, was a file full of years of grudges. Like an episode of Spongebob Squarepants, it was in one of the filing cabinets, all the way in the back collecting dust. Piling on new information every now and then, but just sitting in the back, untouched.
Until this occurrence.
In my youth, when I was confronted, I would either get very quiet, accepting any blame, or very vulgar, not as defensive, but rather just trying to hurt the other party. Once, the situation passed, it passed. Meaning it was forgotten with no resolution. I realized that being vulgar was not a good method, so, I just remained quiet. I let all the hazing, blaming, gossiping, and belittling pass by without any response. I would just mentally say that I forgave them, because they did not know what they were doing.
What I didn't realize, was that quietly, my emotional side, would store them in this folder to later get back at anyone who had done me wrong.
That list kept growing and growing, but remained dormant, until I began to stop being quiet. I felt, it was time for me to stand up for myself, and not let anyone walk all over me. Which sparked these feelings again. The vulgar side awoke, and pride took place on any high stake situation, causing more damage than resolution.
So, after everything that has happened in my life, and after reviewing this file, I realized that my pride was not only hurting my loved ones, but also it was hurting me.
All I have ever wanted is peace, that has always been my desire. And even though I believed I was achieving it, deep down it was not complete. All the hurt feelings, the anger, the pain, the sadness, was still there.
I just wanted revenge. I wanted everyone to feel what they made me feel, or worse. Hit them where it hurts and continue until they were broken. Forcefully making them understand what their actions caused. No solution, just revenge.
Honestly, that would have never made me happy. It never would have brought me peace. So, after meditating on all the outcomes, I finally am ready to take one more step in my life.
What is that step?
To everyone who bullied me, made fun of me, looked down on me, spread rumors, talked sh*t, belittled me, didn't support me, abandoned me, left me, constantly made me feel like a disappointment, showing favoritism, shunning and ignoring me and my family. Not showing up, and not treating my family the same.
I truly say, I forgive you. I forgive you because I am no longer angry. I do not want revenge.
I just want peace, because I deserve it.
I am ready to let go.
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