Hi! I’m Giovanni. Thank you for joining me on Nanni's thoughts. I am glad to take this time to share with you my thoughts and hope you can all come to an understanding of who I really am.
I have been asking myself lately what motivates me? And you know, about 2 years ago, I knew what motivated me and who I was, and what I was going for. What changed? Life. Simple as that. Life delivered its usual trials and I was not ready to balance it all at once. I lost focus and soon lost who I was, what I was fighting for and what got me up in the morning. It got to a point where I lost motivation to study, work, even workout, because there was or is no time, there was or is no reason to do anything, or mainly there was or is no point.
Sounds familiar? If not, that’s okay, most people are stronger mentally that they can go through life with ease, and when the issues come, they take it head strong. But, seeing that I am an emotional guy, it struck me by surprise and hit me hard. The worst part about this is that it all depended on me and I failed. I failed, my wife, my family and even myself. I needed to be strong enough to handle it all and balance it well to keep everything stable, but I wasn’t, and that made everything worse.
When I say worse, I am referring to my mental image of myself. Most know that your biggest critic is yourself, and with me, when it all came at once and I failed, my critic made it sure to let me know how big of a failure I was and still am. I really hit myself hard and that got me so down that I even got close to taking away my own life. Why you may ask? Because if I was such a failure, everyone would be better off without me. Maybe my wife could find a stronger and better man, my daughter could have a better father, my family could have a good memory of a good, strong brother or son. Basically give everyone a chance to be happy and worry free, without me being such a burden.
What is wrong with this type of thinking? Well, that is how a loser thinks. The kind of thinking where if the going gets tough, you just quit. I’ve had that thinking before, when I was in my youth. Being the youngest of four, your “potential” and “strong will” is always put to test by your older siblings, and if you are strong enough, you come out victorious and can take on the world. What made me different? I was and still am more connected to my emotions, so those tests shook me up and instead of being stronger, I was hard on myself and became weak. I resorted to the loser mentality of I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t man enough, I wasn’t strong enough…I just wasn’t enough. And that kept me from doing a lot of things because of self doubt, and because I didn’t believe in myself.
That all changed when I finally started making my own decisions. For example, I started to go to church because I wanted to and started reading books, and finding hobbies that helped me find my interests. This was the beginning of actually becoming strong. The decision that made the big change, was when I decided to serve an LDS mission. What made this decision the high point of my life? No one expected me to go. That is what made it perfect. Because when I announced that I decided to go on a mission, my whole family was surprised. This boosted my self-esteem, and my self image. I was being adventurous and even dedicated to my decision. I was doing something for me. That was the event that made me spend 2 years focused on serving and finding my true strengths.
So, why did life hit me back down after this event? Because I had new responsibilities, a marriage, a child, education, work, and for the first time in a while, I felt overwhelmed and let fear creep in. That type of fear that is filled with doubt, filled with an unsure feeling that you can’t balance it all alone. And when I couldn’t do it all, when it all got out of hand, what did I do? I crumbled under pressure.
Well, Its been two years staying in the same spot. Feeling bad for myself for failing everyone and especially myself. Pity because I am not strong enough. Feeling alone and that no one understood what I was going through. That not even my best friend, my lovely wife, understood what I was feeling. What was I doing wrong? I wasn’t letting anyone in because I thought no one could understand the pressure I had and the reason for crumbling.
Two weeks ago, I was proven wrong. After a long summer, that lead me to seek some counseling, I realized that I had shut everyone off and became bitter and resentful. Why? Because everyone was to blame. They all dragged me into problems that had nothing to do with me and expected me to either choose sides, or fix it all. With so much frustration, I would implode but never explain why I was feeling the way I was, so this miscommunication lead to further issues. Well I was done with it all and what I learned in counseling is that I wasn’t alone, but I just need to confide in those around me and explain exactly how I feel. How was I proven wrong? I was never alone, I have had my wife, and my close family by my side the whole time. I just stayed in an old school mentality where the man shouldn’t be emotional, like I was being, which lead me to feel that I wasn’t a man, that something was wrong with me, and that made me fall back to the loser mentality I had before. Well after much trial and error, I have started to improve my communication skills and realized my wife was always there, I just needed to let her in.
For the first time after a long time, I have started to become more motivated. I am enjoying school, tolerating work and enjoying my life with my family. All I needed to know is that I wasn’t alone and that I had a support system who believed in me. I had to see that for myself. Because I know they were trying to show it to me, I just didn’t believe in myself, so I couldn’t believe in anyone else.
So, to summarize it all, I had been unmotivated for the past 2 years. This caused a lot of set back, in all aspects of my life. I finally woke up, and I am reaching for a fulfilling and successful life. I know I am not alone, and I just needed understand that I was weak once, but didn’t need to remain weak. I can get back up and become stronger. And be the man I want to be. Strong, motivated, loving, enthusiastic, joyful, trendsetter.
What is my Motivation? My wife, My daughter, My family, Achieving Success, Traveling, and Being ME.
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